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HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARIN! YOU ROCK! ... sometimes you roll....but mostly, you just rock!
 Capricorn - Your Love ProfileYour positive traits: You are serious about relationships and ready for a commitment. You tend to help your partner attain the success they dream of. You are a rock. Relationship problems don't seem to phase you. Your negative traits: Sometimes it's very hard for you to accept your parnter's past. You are emotionally reserved, and difficult to connect with. You expect your partner to take care of you - and make cheat if they do not Your ideal partner: Is incredibly powerful and well respected. Is often older than you - and could be a superior at work. Has a good amount of money... or the ability to be rich someday. Your dating style: Practical. A "get to know each other" coffee date is just fine by you. Your seduction style: Bossy - you like to be the one in charge in the bedroom. Slow and patient. You know that good sex takes time. Calculating. You'll use sex to get ahead, if necessary. Tips for the future: Open up. A little emotional expression is a good thing in relationships. Leap before you look. You don't have to run a cost benefit sheet on everyone you date. Enjoy the now. No need to worry about marriage on the first few dates. Best place to meet someone online: eHarmony - they'll automatically match you with someone who's as driven as you are Best color to attract mate: Dark green Best day for a date: Saturday Get your free love profile at Blogthings. |
this pretty much makes me out to be a money hungry slut who will "do" whatever it takes to get a"head"
Be careful that you aren't acting in the exact way that you dislike for others to act, RITA. You may find that you are slowly taking on the traits of the people you despise. People might be getting a bit tired of your sarcasm. Lighten up a bit and put a smile on your face. If you continue to see the negative side of everything, it is quite likely that other people are only going to see the negative side in you.
well isn't that special.... now all i need is a nice swift kick in the ass and i can call it a day...
well isn't that special.... now all i need is a nice swift kick in the ass and i can call it a day...
i lost the christmas spirit-- so i am posting this in search of it -- if anyone has seen it, please let me know where i might find it. For days, i've been walking around, more like running around -- and not in one single place did I see it or even feel it. I'm tired, i'm sick, i'm just plain over it. all of it. no one is happy - everyone is sad and depressed -- and those who say they aren't are faking it. Every smile i come across is fake and forced - people may as well be saying fuck you - it's all the same. And the rudeness, what's with the rudeness? It's one thing to be sad or depressed, but rude? Does anyone have any fucking manners or has that gone out the window as well? If you haven't gathered by now, this is not a "happy" post, and i am sorry to be spreading the feelings that are coursing through me. Rather than babble on and on and on -- because really, who fucking cares anyway - i'll simply end this oh so pathetic post with more patheticness... I'm going ot bed now, and hopefully, by the time i wake up, the holidays will be over, my day of birth will be a distant memory and New Year's eve will be a story i get to hear about through someone's journal post - because i choose to take a hiatus this year from all of the above -- good night, see you in the '05.
I'm not a fool, though there are times i do foolish things. I remain however, not a fool. So please, don't take me as one. Don't take one look at me and feel as though you've figured me out. Don't nod your head and proclaim, "ah...now i get it!" Because let me tell you something honey, you don't get a fucking thing about me. You'll never know the things i hold secret in my heart, you'll never understand my sense of humor, even though you claim to know the root. If for an instant you feel as if you've come to some sort of epiphany as to my state of mind, go ahead and give your face a couple of whacks until you regain consciousness, because surely you must be in a dream world. I am amazed at the way you sit and stare at me, while your deceptive eyes try and read what you assume i have offered up as literature. If you think for a second i fell for that shit you served me i feel sorry for you. Sorry that you didn't see me turn the table and switch the plates, until the shit was in front of you. I'm not your toy anymore, you can no longer use me until it suites you then break me apart in tiny pieces, pieces that never quite fit the same when i try and put myself back together. Here's a bit of information, whether you ask for it or not - You'll never be what i know you want to be, because you lack the common sense to ever do anything about it. If the world doesn't revolve around you, don't be surprised one day because it never did, you only wanted it to-- and as we all know by now, wanting something isn't always enough. So put your hat on and go hide away like you always do. Pick at it until you think you've got it right -- but i know you'll always be picking. How does it feel to be used?
You know when you convince yourself that you are over something.. and then out of the blue someone mentions a fucking name and everything about you changes in an instant. Your face scrunches instinctively, fists clench, stomache knots... and you feel yourself getting angry..even though you're "over it."
Every once and a while, I'd notice the date. One month went by at first, fairly quickly, and I told myself, "no biggie, i can totally handle this." Then it was a month and a half... then two...then i started to panic. I never let it show, couldn't let it show. I would never fixate on the time passing, i just noticed it every so often. In fact, i handled it pretty well -- not talking to someone for months, after talking with them every day.
It's been three months now, and today was one of those random days that i noticed the date. The differnce this time was someone mentioned the name. The name, the fucking name and I lost it.
I guess i've been on the brink of losing it for some time now. Work has successfully managed to wear me down to the point of physical and mental exhaustion. Lack of sleep makes the path towards self preservation damn near impossible. I contemplated quitting my job several times. After a while, i realized it wasn't my job..it was me. I've pushed myself and pushed myself - to the point of no return because i felt and still feel like i have nowhere else to go. When i am working, i feel important, wanted, needed. Lately, it's the only time i feel any of those things. So, I work..and work...and...
I feel myself dissapearing, fading fast into the night
brightly colored clothing
no longer in my closet kept
bones ache from growth, pain too strong to ignore
under searing water, scorched back to life
i see the faces of my past
shaking heads of dissaproval
no longer finding solace in places of my youth
burdened by responsability
concealed by the same
supressed form everyone around me
silence speaks to those who listen closely.
Every once and a while, I'd notice the date. One month went by at first, fairly quickly, and I told myself, "no biggie, i can totally handle this." Then it was a month and a half... then two...then i started to panic. I never let it show, couldn't let it show. I would never fixate on the time passing, i just noticed it every so often. In fact, i handled it pretty well -- not talking to someone for months, after talking with them every day.
It's been three months now, and today was one of those random days that i noticed the date. The differnce this time was someone mentioned the name. The name, the fucking name and I lost it.
I guess i've been on the brink of losing it for some time now. Work has successfully managed to wear me down to the point of physical and mental exhaustion. Lack of sleep makes the path towards self preservation damn near impossible. I contemplated quitting my job several times. After a while, i realized it wasn't my job..it was me. I've pushed myself and pushed myself - to the point of no return because i felt and still feel like i have nowhere else to go. When i am working, i feel important, wanted, needed. Lately, it's the only time i feel any of those things. So, I work..and work...and...
I feel myself dissapearing, fading fast into the night
brightly colored clothing
no longer in my closet kept
bones ache from growth, pain too strong to ignore
under searing water, scorched back to life
i see the faces of my past
shaking heads of dissaproval
no longer finding solace in places of my youth
burdened by responsability
concealed by the same
supressed form everyone around me
silence speaks to those who listen closely.
Hi everyone! Good luck with drawing that single line tomorrow. I Know that the most important vote on the ballot tomorrow is the vote for our future leader, but i'd like everyone to take a moment and carefully vote for the remaining items on the ballot.
I'd like to single out Propositon 64 -- (i urge you all to vote no on this proposition)
Proposition 64 is a wolf hiding behind a $13million dollar sheeps outfit, by pretending to be the knight in shining aromr for small businesses. It claims that it will effectivly close the loophole in business law, protecting small business owners against unscrupulous private lawyers from filing lawsuits against small businesses even though they have no client or evidence that anyone was damaged or misled.
This is not the case. Proposition 64 will actually benifit big bussiness by limiting the enforcement of laws protecting the public health, environment and consumers by ending lawsuits brought by citizens and public interest groups to end illegal practices before they claim a victim.
What Is California's Unfair Business Competition Law?
Q. What does the Unfair Business Competition Law do?
A. The Unfair Business Competition Law is a landmark consumer protection law that stops unfair, deceptive or unlawful conduct. It was first enacted in the 1930s to stop businesses from using unfair practices to gain an advantage over their competitors. But, as the California Supreme Court has pointed out, the goal of the act is much broader than merely ensuring that businesses are fair to each other. It is intended to protect consumers by addressing the general societal harm that results when business enterprises act illegally or unethically.
Q. Who does the Unfair Business Competition Law protect?
A. California consumers. The Unfair Business Competition Law has been used successfully to help the State of California (recover funds spent on tobacco-related illnesses), employees (recover overtime that employers had illegally failed to pay), children (stop misleading and fraudulent advertising aimed at kids), and seniors (prevent illegal age and family discrimination).
Q. Who can use the Unfair Business Competition Law?
A. Any member of the general public can bring a case under the law. Typically, consumer, civil rights, and environmental groups bring cases to stop unfair and fraudulent practices they identify. Government prosecutors also bring suit under the law. Often, businesses file lawsuits against other businesses.
Q. What remedies are available under the law?
A. Unlike personal injury cases, no damages are available under the Unfair Business Competition Law - not for economic losses, non-economic losses, or for punitive damages. The relief available is simply to stop unfair practices and, in some cases, to have those injured receive "restitution" - the return of money illegally taken to an identified person. The California Supreme Court ruled last year that "disgorgement of ill-gotten gain" - the return of profits made from an illegal practice -- is no longer an available remedy. (Korea Supply Company v. Lockheed Martin Corporation)
Q. Who decides Unfair Business Competition Law cases?
A. Judges, not juries.
As Governor Schwarzenegger prepares to spend the weekend on a bus tour promoting Prop 64, which he claims will "scare away the special interests," an analysis of campaign statements shows Schwarzenegger has received over $4.7 million from the same big business backers who have given over $4.7 million to Prop 64.
The primary backer of Governor Schwarzenegger's bus tour is Ameriquest, which has given $1,169,000 to Schwarzenegger and $50,000 to Prop 64. The mortgage company has faced lawsuits for predatory lending under the Unfair Competition law that Prop 64 curbs enforcement of.
"Arnold's not scaring away special interests on his so-called 'reform' tour this weekend, he will be trying to scare the public into voting big businesses' way on a bus tour paid for by the biggest special interest group there is -- big corporations that don't want to be accountable for their illegal acts," said Jamie Court, author of Corporateering and director of Electionwatchdog.org. "It's remarkable that a fitness freak who has filed lawsuits three times under the Unfair Competition law that Prop 64 guts would stand with Phillip Morris to limit its liability under the law for egregious acts like marketing nicotine to children. If Governor Schwarzenegger thinks suing to protect his image is a valid case under the unfair competiton law, then lawsuits to protect the air, the water supply and the public health should be fair game too, but Prop 64 stops these cases in their tracks."
http://www.electionwatchdog.org/nw/nw00
http://www.electionwatchdog.org/fs/fs00
THANKS! VOTE VOTE VOTE!
I'd like to single out Propositon 64 -- (i urge you all to vote no on this proposition)
Proposition 64 is a wolf hiding behind a $13million dollar sheeps outfit, by pretending to be the knight in shining aromr for small businesses. It claims that it will effectivly close the loophole in business law, protecting small business owners against unscrupulous private lawyers from filing lawsuits against small businesses even though they have no client or evidence that anyone was damaged or misled.
This is not the case. Proposition 64 will actually benifit big bussiness by limiting the enforcement of laws protecting the public health, environment and consumers by ending lawsuits brought by citizens and public interest groups to end illegal practices before they claim a victim.
What Is California's Unfair Business Competition Law?
Q. What does the Unfair Business Competition Law do?
A. The Unfair Business Competition Law is a landmark consumer protection law that stops unfair, deceptive or unlawful conduct. It was first enacted in the 1930s to stop businesses from using unfair practices to gain an advantage over their competitors. But, as the California Supreme Court has pointed out, the goal of the act is much broader than merely ensuring that businesses are fair to each other. It is intended to protect consumers by addressing the general societal harm that results when business enterprises act illegally or unethically.
Q. Who does the Unfair Business Competition Law protect?
A. California consumers. The Unfair Business Competition Law has been used successfully to help the State of California (recover funds spent on tobacco-related illnesses), employees (recover overtime that employers had illegally failed to pay), children (stop misleading and fraudulent advertising aimed at kids), and seniors (prevent illegal age and family discrimination).
Q. Who can use the Unfair Business Competition Law?
A. Any member of the general public can bring a case under the law. Typically, consumer, civil rights, and environmental groups bring cases to stop unfair and fraudulent practices they identify. Government prosecutors also bring suit under the law. Often, businesses file lawsuits against other businesses.
Q. What remedies are available under the law?
A. Unlike personal injury cases, no damages are available under the Unfair Business Competition Law - not for economic losses, non-economic losses, or for punitive damages. The relief available is simply to stop unfair practices and, in some cases, to have those injured receive "restitution" - the return of money illegally taken to an identified person. The California Supreme Court ruled last year that "disgorgement of ill-gotten gain" - the return of profits made from an illegal practice -- is no longer an available remedy. (Korea Supply Company v. Lockheed Martin Corporation)
Q. Who decides Unfair Business Competition Law cases?
A. Judges, not juries.
As Governor Schwarzenegger prepares to spend the weekend on a bus tour promoting Prop 64, which he claims will "scare away the special interests," an analysis of campaign statements shows Schwarzenegger has received over $4.7 million from the same big business backers who have given over $4.7 million to Prop 64.
The primary backer of Governor Schwarzenegger's bus tour is Ameriquest, which has given $1,169,000 to Schwarzenegger and $50,000 to Prop 64. The mortgage company has faced lawsuits for predatory lending under the Unfair Competition law that Prop 64 curbs enforcement of.
"Arnold's not scaring away special interests on his so-called 'reform' tour this weekend, he will be trying to scare the public into voting big businesses' way on a bus tour paid for by the biggest special interest group there is -- big corporations that don't want to be accountable for their illegal acts," said Jamie Court, author of Corporateering and director of Electionwatchdog.org. "It's remarkable that a fitness freak who has filed lawsuits three times under the Unfair Competition law that Prop 64 guts would stand with Phillip Morris to limit its liability under the law for egregious acts like marketing nicotine to children. If Governor Schwarzenegger thinks suing to protect his image is a valid case under the unfair competiton law, then lawsuits to protect the air, the water supply and the public health should be fair game too, but Prop 64 stops these cases in their tracks."
http://www.electionwatchdog.org/nw/nw00
http://www.electionwatchdog.org/fs/fs00
THANKS! VOTE VOTE VOTE!
hi-liters are an amazing thing. Thank you person who invented them.
So.. i haven't posted since April 29, 2004. I thought that was pretty funny. I used to post all the time..and then, nothing. It's not lack of anything to say.. but more so lack of time. This "thing" that keeps getting away from me. eh.
All work an no play makes rita a very dull girl. However, last night, not so dull. I went to a burlesque show -- which was pretty damn good and funny to boot. And afterwards.. despite all my efforts to not go, i ended up at a rave of all places.. it was a friends birthday and her man was there watching his friend spin.. so, I had to. I hate having to do things. got home at 4 in the morning-- slept for one hour, got up again and drove my friend to the airport... got home at 6 am and slept until 5 in the afternoon. Still exhausted.
But i am stoked none the less-- cuz in less than two weeks, this girl will be in VEGAS baby! I can't wait. It's been so long since i have been anywhere.
Last week was good times -- went to BFD and had backstage passes-- and next saturday i am going to the no doubt concert with backstage passes YAY!
IT's funny-- i won't do anything exciting at all for like weeks.. just work and work and work and work and work..you get the picture. Then all of sudden.. jam packed with fun goodness.
Next week, my puppy starts her very first day of school. I am so proud. I might even pack her a lunch :) They grow up so fast...
well, now i am off to bed-- early day tomorrow :(
So.. i haven't posted since April 29, 2004. I thought that was pretty funny. I used to post all the time..and then, nothing. It's not lack of anything to say.. but more so lack of time. This "thing" that keeps getting away from me. eh.
All work an no play makes rita a very dull girl. However, last night, not so dull. I went to a burlesque show -- which was pretty damn good and funny to boot. And afterwards.. despite all my efforts to not go, i ended up at a rave of all places.. it was a friends birthday and her man was there watching his friend spin.. so, I had to. I hate having to do things. got home at 4 in the morning-- slept for one hour, got up again and drove my friend to the airport... got home at 6 am and slept until 5 in the afternoon. Still exhausted.
But i am stoked none the less-- cuz in less than two weeks, this girl will be in VEGAS baby! I can't wait. It's been so long since i have been anywhere.
Last week was good times -- went to BFD and had backstage passes-- and next saturday i am going to the no doubt concert with backstage passes YAY!
IT's funny-- i won't do anything exciting at all for like weeks.. just work and work and work and work and work..you get the picture. Then all of sudden.. jam packed with fun goodness.
Next week, my puppy starts her very first day of school. I am so proud. I might even pack her a lunch :) They grow up so fast...
well, now i am off to bed-- early day tomorrow :(
Take the quiz: "Which American City Are You?"
Las Vegas
You Shine bright and partake in all the vices. You'd rather burn out then fade away.
Las Vegas
You Shine bright and partake in all the vices. You'd rather burn out then fade away.
It's been so long since i've written so i guess i'll just jump right in. each time i go to write, i get side tracked with reading up on everyone's life. I find it interesting that i can "be gone" in a sense for a while and come back to find things as if i had never left. That's the beauty of life. Everything keeps chugging along even when you stop. The past few months have been seamingly normal with a hint of abnormalacy. I've come to realize a great many things, about myself and others. Right now, i find myself as usual, stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand i am perfectly happy. But on the other, i am just as confused as i've ever been. Sometimes, when finding answers, even bigger questions develop...and you are left searching for the answers for those questions. It's a funny little cycle. Just when i thought i was one step closer, i find myself reavaluating my position from three steps back.
It kind of makes me laugh.
This life, so simple and yet so complex. I am mystified by it's constant change in direction and in awe of the way each direction seems to make perfect sense in after thought.
Lately, i have been spending a lot of time with my family. It's been great to see them so happy and i can only hope that their happiness continues. It's what keeps me from going insane i believe.
I've also made a few new "friends." For each i hold completely different feelings, for each are very different.
Have you ever stopped and looked at someone. And just knew. Knew that you could never stop looking at them...even if you tried? It's that something that draws you to them time and time again. It's addictive, like a drug. Intoxicating. I can honestly say that i have never felt the way i do right now, for reasons only obvious to myself. All i know is, that as happy as i am, i am my most un happiest. The sense in that line is lost even to me. The sadness lies in the fact that i've finally met someone with whom i am completely at ease, someone with whom i can be myself and know that pretenses simply do not exist. i've never felt as much joy as to be in their presense, nor as much sadness as to be away. And the jealousy, oh! don't even get me started. but the irony and the true sandness lies in the mere fact that it will never ever in a million years work.
happiness always comes with a price. and a drug, no matter how amazing it can make you feel, will always bring you down.
It kind of makes me laugh.
This life, so simple and yet so complex. I am mystified by it's constant change in direction and in awe of the way each direction seems to make perfect sense in after thought.
Lately, i have been spending a lot of time with my family. It's been great to see them so happy and i can only hope that their happiness continues. It's what keeps me from going insane i believe.
I've also made a few new "friends." For each i hold completely different feelings, for each are very different.
Have you ever stopped and looked at someone. And just knew. Knew that you could never stop looking at them...even if you tried? It's that something that draws you to them time and time again. It's addictive, like a drug. Intoxicating. I can honestly say that i have never felt the way i do right now, for reasons only obvious to myself. All i know is, that as happy as i am, i am my most un happiest. The sense in that line is lost even to me. The sadness lies in the fact that i've finally met someone with whom i am completely at ease, someone with whom i can be myself and know that pretenses simply do not exist. i've never felt as much joy as to be in their presense, nor as much sadness as to be away. And the jealousy, oh! don't even get me started. but the irony and the true sandness lies in the mere fact that it will never ever in a million years work.
happiness always comes with a price. and a drug, no matter how amazing it can make you feel, will always bring you down.
i guess it's just my calling in life
My next door neighbor died today. She was smoking in bed and was intoxicated. the matress cought on fire... and she suffocated to death. Her kids had been at a neighbors house so luckily they are ok..but if you think about it, their lives are changed forever, in the worst possible way.
Our neighborhood was taped up for hours, cops everywhere, ambulances everywhere, people everywhere.
They brought her body out in the rain and administred cpr..for 25 minutes, but she was gone.
this world sucks.
Our neighborhood was taped up for hours, cops everywhere, ambulances everywhere, people everywhere.
They brought her body out in the rain and administred cpr..for 25 minutes, but she was gone.
this world sucks.
yet i am still in a good mood...... scarry I know. hope it lasts. gnight.
today i found something out that normally would have upset me and put me in funk. But to be honest, i just didn't care. at all. well actually, i was upset for a second..then i realized that i really wasn't upset but rather that i thought i should be upset..makes no sense i know.
i've been in good mood. I have surprised myself.
i feel like something good is going to happen...i don't know what or how or why, but i feel it in the air.
i've been working harder than i have ever worked. I still complain, but i feel good.
I have some posative prospects coming my way all i need to do is believe in myself enough to follow this through. but believing in myself seems to be one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. I don't know why, it's just the way it is. But i am going to take the chance, on myself, on other people. I have to ..or i'll never know.
i've been in good mood. I have surprised myself.
i feel like something good is going to happen...i don't know what or how or why, but i feel it in the air.
i've been working harder than i have ever worked. I still complain, but i feel good.
I have some posative prospects coming my way all i need to do is believe in myself enough to follow this through. but believing in myself seems to be one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. I don't know why, it's just the way it is. But i am going to take the chance, on myself, on other people. I have to ..or i'll never know.
yay!
So i went in today for my oral surgery. I decided not to be put to sleep because i don't have insurance and it costs a hell of a lot more than just having the damn thing removed on local anastesia.. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE - i kid you not.
all I have to say is: i have never been in as much in my entire life. This include everything.. the actual procedure took about 5-7 minutes.. there was much prep time involved trying to numb the area around my tooth... but the actual pulling of the tooth was short.. but it was the longest 5 minutes of my life.. it turns out, that unless you are totally knocked out, no amount of numbness can protect you from feeling pain.. Now mind you, I have have had many a root canal - nothing compared to this. I used to be afraid of going to the dentist --- Now, i am mortified.
As i sat there, the doctor said, "okay, you are going to feel a lot of pressure."
and I'm thinking, ok pressure, I can handle pressure. HAHAHAHA. I swear, it felt like he never numbed me up at all. I was clenching so bad from the pain, not only did i physically sweat ( my shirt was soaked) but i actually SCREAMED out 3 times. But my screams were not heard because he continued, saying, we are almost done... it's lose now, just a bit more.
By the end, i was physically exausted and emotionally drained. As i sat in the chair, shaking, i felt my eyes well up with tears. I kept trying to fight them back, but they had a force of their own. I couldn't control them, i was too weak.
This might all sound silly to some of you.. thinking, it's just a tooth, no big deal. Well, next time your dentist tells you that he has to pull you molar out, and that they are only going to give you local anastetics.. then you tell me how silly it is. CUZ IT FUCKING HURTS. i'd rather be shot. Seriously.
Suffice it to say, I am doing much better now. I still can't believe it. I mean, I almost passed out during the procedure. Unbelievable.
all I have to say is: i have never been in as much in my entire life. This include everything.. the actual procedure took about 5-7 minutes.. there was much prep time involved trying to numb the area around my tooth... but the actual pulling of the tooth was short.. but it was the longest 5 minutes of my life.. it turns out, that unless you are totally knocked out, no amount of numbness can protect you from feeling pain.. Now mind you, I have have had many a root canal - nothing compared to this. I used to be afraid of going to the dentist --- Now, i am mortified.
As i sat there, the doctor said, "okay, you are going to feel a lot of pressure."
and I'm thinking, ok pressure, I can handle pressure. HAHAHAHA. I swear, it felt like he never numbed me up at all. I was clenching so bad from the pain, not only did i physically sweat ( my shirt was soaked) but i actually SCREAMED out 3 times. But my screams were not heard because he continued, saying, we are almost done... it's lose now, just a bit more.
By the end, i was physically exausted and emotionally drained. As i sat in the chair, shaking, i felt my eyes well up with tears. I kept trying to fight them back, but they had a force of their own. I couldn't control them, i was too weak.
This might all sound silly to some of you.. thinking, it's just a tooth, no big deal. Well, next time your dentist tells you that he has to pull you molar out, and that they are only going to give you local anastetics.. then you tell me how silly it is. CUZ IT FUCKING HURTS. i'd rather be shot. Seriously.
Suffice it to say, I am doing much better now. I still can't believe it. I mean, I almost passed out during the procedure. Unbelievable.
my entire head is in pain right now-- my tooth is causing quite a commotion and i am seriously about to pull that bitch out myself. I do have a dental appt today but it's at 2:00. They better relieve me of this pain. SOmething, anything. please.
My entire existance is being tested this very minute. I am falling into a dark and ugly abyss and i don't know how to get out.
I'm stressed out more than i can put into words. I feel broken, and the glue that i have used to keep myself together is starting to chip.
I want something that i can never have. and it hurts. right now, everything hurts.
and the last thing in the world i want right now is to have someone tell me not to worry, that it will be alright. I don't think i could handle that because right now, it doesn't feel like it will fucking be alright.
I have been walking around now for days with a plastic smile on my face. Everyone i have talked to has no clue as to what is going on inside me. I just want to hide so no one sees.
I broke down today. Yelled at work during a meeting. Did the very thing i promised myself i would never do - I came undone and it was the worst feeling in the world trying to fight back the tears that had already made their way down my face.
"I've been treated so wrong, i've been treated so long,
as if i'm becoming untouchable
i'm the slow dying flower, the frost killing hour
sweet turning sour and untouchable
I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness
Oh I need this
I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angel, sweet love of my life
Well is it dark enough
Can you see me
Do you want me
Can you reach me
Oh, I'm leaving
Better shut your mouth, and hold your breath
You kiss me now, you catch your death"
I'm stressed out more than i can put into words. I feel broken, and the glue that i have used to keep myself together is starting to chip.
I want something that i can never have. and it hurts. right now, everything hurts.
and the last thing in the world i want right now is to have someone tell me not to worry, that it will be alright. I don't think i could handle that because right now, it doesn't feel like it will fucking be alright.
I have been walking around now for days with a plastic smile on my face. Everyone i have talked to has no clue as to what is going on inside me. I just want to hide so no one sees.
I broke down today. Yelled at work during a meeting. Did the very thing i promised myself i would never do - I came undone and it was the worst feeling in the world trying to fight back the tears that had already made their way down my face.
"I've been treated so wrong, i've been treated so long,
as if i'm becoming untouchable
i'm the slow dying flower, the frost killing hour
sweet turning sour and untouchable
I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness
Oh I need this
I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angel, sweet love of my life
Well is it dark enough
Can you see me
Do you want me
Can you reach me
Oh, I'm leaving
Better shut your mouth, and hold your breath
You kiss me now, you catch your death"
- Mood:
worried - Music:my skin- Natalie Merchant
Sometimes, i will pull a can of pepsi or whatever out of the fridge.. and I will set it down, un opened for a long period of time. Then, I'll remember that I pulled one out and so i glance towards its general direction, only to be surprised at the fact that it's actually open.. I don't remember opening it.
And therin lies the problem.. I have gone through most of my life not remembering things.. things i have said, things i have done. What is the point of doing anything if you are going to end up not recollecting the moments you vowed to cherish. One day.. i'll get to an age where memories don't exist and in their place lay scattered and fragmented images.. no correlation from one to the next. My life will resemble that can of pepsi.. and I won't know how I got to the point that i will eventually be at.
Then there are the things that i'll never forget, no matter how hard I try. Images that will haunt me until the day I die. Only these images, grow stronger as time fades.. and my anger and hatred towards these moments of my life becomes all encompassing and will eventually consume me.
So for now, I'll just pretend that i remember opening that can and setting it down. I'll smile and pretend that any of this will matter in the end.
And therin lies the problem.. I have gone through most of my life not remembering things.. things i have said, things i have done. What is the point of doing anything if you are going to end up not recollecting the moments you vowed to cherish. One day.. i'll get to an age where memories don't exist and in their place lay scattered and fragmented images.. no correlation from one to the next. My life will resemble that can of pepsi.. and I won't know how I got to the point that i will eventually be at.
Then there are the things that i'll never forget, no matter how hard I try. Images that will haunt me until the day I die. Only these images, grow stronger as time fades.. and my anger and hatred towards these moments of my life becomes all encompassing and will eventually consume me.
So for now, I'll just pretend that i remember opening that can and setting it down. I'll smile and pretend that any of this will matter in the end.
it doesn't make sense
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